The single skill that saves most couples: listening to understand

After three decades of couples in this office, I can tell you what most fights are not about. They are not about the dishes, the in-laws, the screen time, or the missed text. They are about the same two questions: do you see me, and do I matter to you.

When couples come in, I almost always begin with the same exercise. Person A speaks for three minutes. Person B does not respond, they only paraphrase. "What I heard you say was…" And then they ask, "Did I get that right?" Most couples cannot complete this exercise on the first try. The reason is not lack of love. It is decades of listening to respond, not to understand.

The skill of listening to understand is small enough to fit on a notecard, and large enough to remake a marriage. Slow down. Repeat back the meaning, not just the words. Ask the second question. Tolerate silence. Resist the urge to defend yourself before your partner has finished.

I am not promising that listening solves everything. I am telling you that without it, nothing else works.

— Dr. Nicole Hani